


Shut Him Up

by MayoTomato



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Social Justice Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2012-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-21 12:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/597665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayoTomato/pseuds/MayoTomato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk plans to seize some of Kankri's hot rump for himself, and he sure as hell is going to enjoy his path to that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shut Him Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Memaboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Memaboo/gifts).



"...Maybe it wouldn't be as potentially triggering if we simply checked our privilege at every chance we get and more, and perhaps rephrase our words so the particular subject of conversation would be approached much more carefully. I, for example, always ask my particular conversational partner if they have triggers and if they do, I try not to brush along the triggering subject if not necessary. However, sometimes you simply can't avoid it-"

"Triggered."

He stops mid-sentence, and simply stares at you, his mouth wide-open. You nearly smirk, but manage to stop yourself. You need to play this out to the end. You can laugh at his facial expressions later, in the privacy of your quarters. For now, the important thing to do was shutting him up.

"Excuse me?" he finally speaks up, after a while, and his voice is so meek, nearly terrified, like he expects you to do horrible shit to him. Well. You are, maybe. Just not the particular kind he thinks you are.

You can tell he hasn't been interrupted in God-only-knows how long. You're not surprised, honestly. People just groan and ignore him. You're different. You need his attention right now, and you can't have that if he keeps ranting.

"I said, triggered, Vantas. You heard me. You got a privilege of hearing, you better fucking use it. It'd be offensive to those who don't not to." you pause for a bit. Two can play the social-justice blogging game. You just need to one-up him. "First of all, you said that triggering topics are something that cannot be avoided. Bullshit, you simply aren't trying hard enough. And euphemisms are a thing that exists, learn to use them. Secondly, you used second person singular in the sentence. It offends me. Just because _you_ cannot do something, doesn't mean noone else can. Stop being a presuming piece of shit."

He stares at you some more, before coughing a bit.

"My apologies." he continues, still seeming put off. "I shall try harder from this point onwards. If you have any other triggers, feel free to inform me. I might breach some particularly sensitive topics before I develop the skill you have mentioned above. Either way-"

"Triggered." you say again. Oh this was just so easy.

He pauses again. "...Might I inquire, what for?"

"It's as if you expect me to simply _know_ which topics are you going to be talking about. Well I don't. Check your Seer privilege, ass. I need a list of triggers."

"Alright." he nods. But hell no, you're not letting him win this easily. "The triggers in this conversation are, but not limited to-"

"Triggered." You're not even sure if you are using the word trigger correctly, but just who gives a shit? "All the triggers. All of them, Vantas. Don't make me do this twice."

"Alright, all the triggers." You can tell he's trying not to roll his eyes, even if it wouldn't mean much by itself. They are fucking blank, Jesus shit. "But if I forget to mention something, please excuse me. Lusus abandonment, orphanment, self-raising, abuse of drugs and other intoxicants."

He waits for your answer. And hell yes he is going to get an answer.

"All of those." you say. Blatant bullshit. Sure, all of those would somehow relate to your life, but you really fucking don't give a shit about any of those. "Another topic of conversation, please?"

He stares at you like you're an alien. Which you technically are, to him, you guess. Not the point. 

"...Alright." he says, at last. "Different topic. Potential triggers: alternate dead selves, forgotten alternates, artificial alternates, forced life."

"Yet again, all of those. Jesus, is finding a normal topic that hard?!" Wait, shit, you slipped. You wait for him to make a note about religion, but surprisingly, he doesn't.

He bites his lip for a fraction of a second before letting it go. You can't tell if he's embarassed or frustrated, and if he's frustrated, wheter it's aimed at you or himself. 

He's silent. You wait ten seconds. He's still silent.

Well. Apparently he finally ran out of things to say. You're not surprised, considering you have already had to sit through four of his multiversally famous speeches while you were deciding wheter or not his perfectly shaped rump was actually worth it, and when you decided it totally was you sat through another seven while making up a plan on how exactly you get it.

Well, at least he still seemed to be still staring at you. You had his full attention. Part one of the plan carried along flawlessly. On to the part two. 

"Alright, Vantas, listen up." you say, breaking the silence. "I dig your ass. I want that particular ass. And when I want something, I get it. It's simply the way I work, and no, I don't want to hear a fucking thing about how it might be triggering, we've already decided that I can outsocialjusticize you anytime and I don't think you actually like it when I do, am I right?"

"But-" he tries, but you cut him off.

"And I don't want to hear a thing about your chastity bullshit either. That only applies to quadrants, no? Well hell if I want in your dumb _quadrant_. No. What I want is you, in my human romance system. Simple. Try being a little culturally sensitive, alright. I can show you the world. Cue Disney music."

Alright, so you didn't really think this out as much as you maybe could, but you were sick of waiting. You can help him become less of an obnoxious dipshit, not that you didn't actually like the obnoxious dipshit in him. It was weirdly appealing.

And hey look, he seemed to be actually considering it.

"What's Disney." he says. "You know-"

"Yeah, yeah, cultural references that you don't understand are potentially triggering, I know, I don't give a shit. That's sort of the point. But wow, how do you not have Disney? It's totally going to be our first date. I'm going to have you see a Disney movie. Introduce you to human culture a bit. What do you say?"

And hell, you are actually smiling. He's even smiling back. 

"You know." he says. "I planned to educate you on triggers more than anyone else, simply because I care about you and do not wish to see you hurt anyone. But you seem to be well-informed on the subject already. I'll try to stay away from your triggers on our dates, though."

"Nah, man, don't bother. I just made those up as I went to shut you up."

"I think I can forgive you for that."

The next thing you know, there are makeouts.

And despite the fact that you later did laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation, you will always be fond of the memory.


End file.
